Here I go. This might be long.
18th Jan 2019
It’s Friday and I’m 13 weeks pregnant with twins, waiting to see the GP. I’ve just spent an ecstatic week in Perth, the ultrasound I had on the Tuesday meant both babies had made it past the scary wait and see stage. I was happy and filled with joy and hope about this pregnancy and our future – even if it meant buying a new car and probably a bigger house down the track! I had new maternity clothes and new ikea furniture to put together.
I waited nervously. The doctor had specifically requested to see me, rescheduling our appointment to fit around a delivery he was called to at the hospital.
Why did he want to see me?
It was now late into Friday evening when the doctor told me one of the babies had a nuchal fold measurement of 4.2. This was high. The chances of Trisomy 21 (down syndrome) was 1:9. The chances of more fatal chromosome issues where around 1:50.
That joy, that radiance was crushed in a moment by fear and dread. I wondered if the scan was faulty somehow, it was only a statistic after all and the sonographer had struggled (so I thought) to get a good measurement of that twin. Perhaps King Edward Memorial Hospital [KEMH] would do a better job. The doctor agreed to request another ultrasound in Perth. He would call them on Monday he said.
I left the office and tears streamed down my face, the receptionist tried not to look and processed payment respectfully. I wailed and sobbed all the way home. H had to come and get me from the car. I knew it was moments like this of great pain and disappointment that tested what I professed to believe.
19th Jan 2019
Jesus said we have peace with God, that trial produces perseverance which produces character – which produces hope. (Romans 5).
Where was peace?
Where was hope?
I called on trusted friends to intercede with us for good results and 0 abnormalities and waited for the call.
20th Jan 2019
The church elders anointed me with oil and prayed over our family. Instead of bawling my eyes out – I felt extraordinary peace and joy again, I hadn’t willed or thought myself into that.
Jesus is in the waiting.
Waiting is a refining fire.
Again, I waited.
21st Jan 2019
I wanted to stay in that place of grief and weeping. I wanted to curl up in God’s love and cry. But he was calling me out into something so much more beautiful. Hope. Hope that says – no matter what, even in an absence of miracles – I am victorious. I have won because Christ is in me. I felt there was some lesson he was trying to show me through this.
Not that He did this. God doesn’t punish us or send hardship to teach us.
But in that waiting and uncertainty, I was starting to see how to live free from circumstance. Free from what would feel like natural mourning – he showed me a joy that didn’t even make sense. It was a joy that came from seeing something in who I am that was so much bigger and deeper than anything in this world. Joy in serving a creator, in running a race to eternity.
Nothing can take that away from me! Nothing can change my future – and it’s a good future!
22nd Jan 2019
Finally in the afternoon KEMH called. They decided our original scan and the provided statistics were right and we needn’t drive up for another.
This blow knocked me down. Despite God trying to show me another way to live and not wanting to be shaken by the circumstance, I had still put my hope in what I saw as the answer to all this. I thought another scan would show everything to be normal.
Now I was being asked to wait again. This time for an amniocentesis.
I didn’t think I could stand the wait, the worry. But more so, I knew I had a fight in store and I didn’t think I had the strength – I didn’t want to find the courage and paradoxically surrender all of it to Jesus. But it was literally the only path set before me – the alternative was not worth thinking about. Feeling trapped the only way was to cry out to God to help me get going.
Again I called on the prayer warriors around me and sought God – he lifted me out of the grief.
I delved into reassuring stories of high risk scans where everything turned out fine. I even had a friend who was given a 1:6 risk and God had answered their prayers. But God was still trying to call me away from putting hope in these dreams, these possible futures.
What I learned in the waiting.
He showed me that the fight/surrender is a refining fire that causes the gold in me to glow even brighter.
He showed me that man lives not by bread alone but by Every word from the mouth of God.
My faith and trust in him had to move beyond what ever I could see or experience in the natural to what his word said. What he says is absolutely true and there is nothing that can happen in this world to diminish that.
What I believe about my future determines how I experience today. I believe I am an eternal child of God – called to his kingdom. Jesus rescued me from darkness and brought me into his light!
Putting my hope in the miracle I wanted was holding on to a false security. My hope had to reside beyond that. A false security is waiting for that doctor report. Hoping for that particular breakthrough – that dream to your promise.
But what if that breakthrough doesn’t happen.
There has to be a place in our walk with Jesus that we no longer have false securities. No matter what is removed from our lives the only thing that comes forward is a resolve in our hearts that Jesus is still our healer and our redeemer. Every facade must be broken to understand the larger narrative, to get past…”you intended to harm me” to “but God has intended this all for good.”
The only way out is by diving completely in. In total surrender to God. To do away with with the idols of breakthrough that have been exalted above Jesus.
Understand me. God is a god of breakthrough in our lives. We must ask for what we need – and keep asking. My children ask me for things all the time and I love it – it’s how I get to know them. But our focus must stay on him – not on what we want him to do or the way we think he should do it! Trust is relinquishing that control totally to Gods bigger picture for us. Then when he breaks through in our life no part of us can say “I made that happen through hard work and my amazing prayers” we can only say “wow God, you cared for me, thank you”. The glory is his!