Intellect and emotion are not always on the same page. We try to bully our emotions into submission sometimes. Reason our way to happiness.
On the outside I can see parents loving their children with Down syndrome, enjoying life, finding things no where near as scary as they imagined. I try to change my perspective – I look at how difficult life is for most people and realise how blessed we actually are. I know there will be happy and joyful moments as a family. I know it’s not that bad. I know God will look after me through this. I know he will give me what I need to thrive emotionally and spiritually. I know we will manage.
But there’s still this deep cry within me that’s yelling “I DON’T WANT THIS!”
Yet it seems “this” is what I have.
And somewhere, somehow I need to find my way to a deep acceptance of what “is” (as my cousin so aptly put it).
But right now I can’t let go of what I wanted, what I thought should be. And I feel so deeply sad and so deeply grieved by the loss of that.
I have to cry. At random moments throughout the week I have to stop and and feel it. I have to acknowledge that deep disappointment. Because somewhere at the bottom, when all has been emptied out – I find courage again.
And I think, with time, I’ll have to do this less.