Part 4 – Finding courage amongst tears of grief

Intellect and emotion are not always on the same page. We try to bully our emotions into submission sometimes. Reason our way to happiness.

On the outside I can see parents loving their children with Down syndrome, enjoying life, finding things no where near as scary as they imagined. I try to change my perspective – I look at how difficult life is for most people and realise how blessed we actually are. I know there will be happy and joyful moments as a family. I know it’s not that bad. I know God will look after me through this. I know he will give me what I need to thrive emotionally and spiritually. I know we will manage.

But there’s still this deep cry within me that’s yelling “I DON’T WANT THIS!”

Yet it seems “this” is what I have.

And somewhere, somehow I need to find my way to a deep acceptance of what “is” (as my cousin so aptly put it).

But right now I can’t let go of what I wanted, what I thought should be. And I feel so deeply sad and so deeply grieved by the loss of that.

I have to cry. At random moments throughout the week I have to stop and and feel it. I have to acknowledge that deep disappointment. Because somewhere at the bottom, when all has been emptied out – I find courage again.

And I think, with time, I’ll have to do this less.

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